20 & In Between

I can see how this title could be misleading, so let me just clarify this: I’m talking about friendships from before college and how they change.

In high school, I had a friend group of about 15 people. Our group a bit of an anomaly at our school because we all got along with each other and actually liked spending time with each other. That was not very common for a larger group of friends back in high school. We’re all still friends, of course, but proximity definitely played a part in how close we all were.

My house was like the hangout spot from sophomore year (10th grade) to senior year (12th grade). It started with me inviting people over on Friday’s after school towards the end of sophomore year. Since my freshman year was a Covid year, sophomore year was my grade’s first real year of high school. In a way, everyone in your closest to farthest circle was friends because we were all subconsciously trying to get our socialization back to what it was before. That did not work out so well for me and a few of my friends.

My friend group started to solidify in junior year, thankfully, because a lot of us were able to discern who we actually enjoyed spending time with. This is the year my house started to become invaded. Originally, I would invite my friends over after a football game since we would, mostly, all be there. Then, some of those friends decided that they would decide when to come over and walk right in without any warning. The majority of my friends are close, or at least very comfortable, with my parents, so they didn’t mind the sudden invasions. I did.

Anyway, the home invasions calmed down slightly in senior year due to college preparations. Towards the end of the year, as we were all being accepted into schools, I would find people in my house even when I wasn’t there.

The summer before our freshman year of college, many of my friends would talk about how often we should all text or call each other and to not let the group chat die. I found myself not caring much about the obsession of staying in touch because I knew we would stay pretty close either way. Obviously not every single person would, but many of us were too close to suddenly end all communication.

What I didn’t suspect is how much I would not want to talk to certain people after starting college.

Life at college was so different than high school. I’m sure anyone older than 18 could’ve told me that and I would’ve believed them, but it’s one thing to hear it and another to see it for yourself. Living on your own for the first time, having a roommate, and being almost fully responsible for yourself is an out of body experience, especially for those who were previously in stricter households or didn’t get out much before.

Here is one example of how a friendship can change. I will preface this by saying this scenario is very personal and cannot be used as a general reflection for how friendships change in college. Anyway.

There is a girl that I have been friends with since around seventh grade, someone I called my best friend until about Winter break of our freshman year of college. This friend came from a stricter household than most of us and really got a chance to branch out when college started. We started freshman year by calling at least once a week and ended the year by calling, maybe, once every few weeks. That is because I genuinely could not bear the conversations we would have.

To add to the backstory, a lot of our friends had a similar issue with this friend because they would often express their lack of interest in coming home. This was due to their stricter home life, but they didn’t really ever separate that from coming home and seeing us. They would constantly talk about how much they loved being at school and how it was so much better than being at home. Over the course of that first semester, some friends expressed their own frustrations with that being said. Myself and this friend got into it at the same Friendsgiving because they were upset at my sparse communication, but that’s always how I’ve been with everyone I talk to. I’m not changing how I text after it not being an issue for years.

Anyway, everything blew up in my face during Winter break. I had gone to visit this friend at their school because my finals were the very last day of the week and I get bored. During this visit, my friend was having relationship issues and, whether it was genuinely what they thought or not, told a few of our friends at home that it was my fault. They said several things about me that none of our friends would say about anyone they called their “best friend,” and spoke very poorly on my name. If you can imagine, that icked me out. What bothered me even more is that I wouldn’t have known any of this if someone she told hadn’t told me.

Something about me is that I’m a very confrontational person. If I have problem with you, I will be telling you. I do hold my friends to the same standard, to a degree. I know a lot of them wouldn’t handle an issue as bluntly as I would, but there is no reason to have negative feelings about me and go blab to everyone except for me. That is not something I would do and all of my friends know that.

As you can tell, I do not feel the same way about this friend now as I felt during high school. I think being in the open experience that college is brings out a lot of one’s true personality and behavior since there’s much more freedom to be who you truly feel you are.

There have been other instances with this friend that I and some of our other friends have experienced that have forced some distance between us. And that’s okay.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since graduating high school, it’s that people really do change. Or, people show their true colors when they think you’ll feel comfortable with them no longer concealing said colors. I’m okay with distancing myself from people who’s colors I don’t like. Just because you’ve been friends with someone for a long time doesn’t mean you have to tolerate values you don’t align with just to keep them in your circle. Create a new circle. Or triangle. Or rhombus, I don’t know.

Anyway, stuff happens. Life goes on. Be who you are.